I really don't mind
SadnessIt's not just made for someone to read, it's for me to let go, just for once.
I don't really, either, understand why is it all like this.
Why does it seem that everytime I feel excluded?
In my family, my school, everywhere. It doesn't matter how much I try to treat everyone well, I always seem to not belong there.
I'm the "different", no matter how much I try to show people how similar to them I am. And even if they do know I'm not different...
my life, my talk, my things -- they all seem too boring for people to pay attention to them.
At school is like this.
At home, as well.
And I think I started to slowly start isolating myself.
I became rude, angry.
I couldn't take it anymore.
And there was no one I could talk to. And even if I tried to say anything at home, I was just "bitchin' over it". And trust me, this talk is not just bitching over something, it's the complaint of my life.
Maybe that's why I isolated myself even more. Like a snowball, it became worse, and I started to wonder why I lived.
Why I tried to make my happiness be based on another's.
I don't get why I tried to follow a carreer that I don't know if it's the right thing for me.
It's gonna be the right one for the family...? But does other's happiness come before mine?
And why is it that even sacrificing my happiness it seems I'm wrong here?
Why do people say I'm wrong?
Why do they say such cruel words? Why is it that it seems all my sister do is better? She's the sweet one, she's the hardworking one (even though I must say I work harder for everything I do, 'cause unlike her, I don't have people to do everything for me), the better one. The one daughter.
I wonder, sometimes -- If I died, would they say "at least it wasn't her older sister"?
"At least it wasn't the one that had friends, that was nice and gentle to everyone"?
Maybe that's why I was born with so many health problems --more than anyone else in my family. Maybe I'm not supposed to live long, anyway. There's probably a reason I have gallstone, I have the policystical kidney disease and can't even breathe well. And I probably won't discover it anyway.
But hey, listen, it's not a suicidal note.
I won't kill myself, or anything -- not that anyone would care, anyway.
I think that killing yourself is weakness.
I live for the ones that can't. I enjoy living, even if alone.
I'll just try living more for myself. Maybe that's the answer for it all.
I'm sorry for the long, confusing journal. I needed to talk.
Anger
Euphoric
Wow!
(sorry, Kid :T)
